Well, it kinda sucks...
Unless your part of an adoption triad you dont know that May 8th (always the saturday before mothers day) this year is BirthMoms Day. Its a day set aside to honor mothers who placed their children into adoption so that they can have a better life.
Well, lets top that off with a son I never get to see, and a daughter who really loves me more then I can understand.
I dont know how im going to do this.
On BMothers day i'll be with Alex for his birthday (I hope) and all his family is going to be there. So really, how much time am I going to be able to spend with him?
Sometimes I wonder if im doing the right thing by staying in his life. What if I ask Nate "Ok... why dont you e-mail me, and keep me up to date on Alex, and send me photos, etc." I mean, I do those things for Kats father and her family. What is so wrong about him doing those things for me?
I want to know about my son, i do, more than anything. Why doesnt he understand that?
I wish men like him had to carry children inside of them for 9 months, and then have someone else raise them while they only got minimal contact and visitations, and that all instances were twisted and all promises for visits were broken, and all letters were stolen and all cards were "lost". I wish someone could make him feel all the heart break i feel.
I think i'll do a video blog tonight....
Follow if you want on YouTube
or go to www.youtube.com/users.bubbysmommy51004
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
April 22, 2010
My Intro:
Well, I am starting this blog, and a video chanel on YouTube because I am scared my son is being kept from me. My ex has spent a long time spreading lies, so much that im sure he fully believes them.
Let me give you some background;
When I was just days away from giving birth to my daughter Kathleen I sat up all night on-line witgh a close friend of mine (whom I knew offline) and played Yahoo Pool. I was in pain because Kat was laying right arcoss my back. We played and played, and he told me about some guy Nate. I wasnt interested in dating men, in fact, Kats father was the only guys I really ever had an interest in, and it was more so a rebound from my ex Erica.
Well, Nate and I started talking, and we became really good friends. A few days later I went into the hospital to have Kathleen. When I came out of the hospital, Nate and I kept talking. It was nice to have someone to talk to; but I really didnt know this guy.
After time he came up to visit, and his first visit was when i was at my best friends House. By the time he got there (and yes, i regret these years), I was half off my but and Kat was passed out in the swing. He walked through the door and i gave him a huge hug. He was such a good friend by this time, and it was nice to finally meet him.
One thing led to another, and i ended up sleeping with him that night, thats when the regrets began.
Anyways, a few weeks later Kathleen ended up in the ER with RSV, I called her biological dad and he wanted nothing to do with her. In fact, his exact words were "I don't care if she dies, dont call me again!" OK fine.... I called Nate, he was at the Hospital in just a few short hours. For the next few days, he sat there in a chair and held Kat when i was at wits end; he went to the cafiteria for me when i needed food, he kept an eye on her when i needed a shower. He became the father she obviously didnt have anywhere else. As much as I knew i wasnt interested in having any type of relationship with a man again, i knew Kat needed a father more then I needed a companion.
4 Months later, we moved in with him at his cousins house. It failed, terribly. His cousin was at the time, an unfit mother, and his mom insisted we move in with her, so we did. During that time, It was hard. I didnt drink or do any drugs, I didnt have my medication for my depression, and it was hard to take care of Kathleen. I slept on a couch, and she slept in a recliner that was pushed against the couch next to me.
This isnt how I wanted my life.
Soon we got our own place, and my depression got worse. I had a job, and found myself attracted to a girl there, and soon, i couldnt do it anymore. Nate and I split, and he made me feel like crap; like a terrible person and mother. I tried to overdose. He told me I wasnt good for anything and I needed to go back to Cleveland.
About a week later my mom and dad came to pick us up. About a mile or so away, i realized I had left Kats WIC formula in his car, so we turned around to pick it up. Nate was sitting on the steps of the apartment bawling his eyes out. He begged me to stay, told me he didnt want to loose me, he was sorry, he just sat there and cried.
I still left.
Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant with Alex....
Thats when the drama began.
First he wanted mt to get an abortion, then he wanted nothing to do with me.
I called his house and yelled at him on the answering machine; how could he tell me to abort his child? I didnt make this child on my own. I was on the shot, and this was not much my fault. This wasnt a mistake, but I couldnt do it on my own.
Well, his mother heard the message, and then hell broke loose.
Months went by and things got better; again i felt like I owed it to him and the kids to try to be with him again. We had a baby shower at my house, and his family came. It was hard, pretending to want something so bad, when all I was concerned about was the child growing inside of me.
After Alex was born my depression got worse, my doctor told me she just needed to get the medication right, and I would be fine.
Just to show you how bad it got, there were nights Alex would cry and cry and i couldnt figure out what was wrong. Once I called nate and put the phone next to alex and asked him what he wanted me to do? I had changed him, fed him, sung to him, and hours after the crying started, it still hadnt stopped. Is there any way Nate could care for Alex for the next few months? I asked, and he agreed. It was the hardest thing letting him go.
The day Nate came to get Alex I lost it, i really felt like my mind was gone. The new medication make me feel worse, and my depression was even worse. I threw one of Alex's toys at him and it cut his stomach. My dad called the cops...
A few weeks later my mom took me to pick up alex, and he stayed for a couple days. It was amazing. I had missed him so much. This happed a few times, and then all of the sudden, it stopped.
Nate didnt want me seeing Alex anymore. I called the county, I called the police, i called a lawyer. The alotted time had just passed... Nate had custody due to posesion. He had kept alex just long enough that i no longer had custody of him. Because he lived with nate for more then 6 month, i had no more rights. It had to go to court. I tried and tried, and I couldnt afford a lawyer, I couldnt find a free lawyer because the distance was so long.
anyways, here I am 6 years after he was born, and I hardly get to talk to him, hardly get to see him, and it hurts, more then Nate understands.
I really think Nate feels like I am this monster who lies and creates issue, but, i just challange him to look in the mirror. I have tried for the last 6 years to be a good mother for Alex.
I had to work full time to pay for my kids, and Nate stayed at home and did schooling while Alex was at work, and he got to go out and have fun; he had child support money to spend because his family was paying his way.
I remember once, and this is a little side note sorry, Nate complained that he had to borrow money from his Grandfather to buy Alex school clothes, but, I wanted to know where my child support went to... Isnt that what its for?
Anyways, This is all for Alex, and for anyone else who wants to read it.
Its juat hard being 3 hours away, and not knowing anything.
I gave a son up for Adoption in 2006, and I always laugh in a bad way because, I know more about him, then I know about Alex. I think its great that his parents and I are so close, but I think its terrible that Nate refuses to let me be a part of alex's life....
I hope one day Alex can read all these things and know how much Mommy and Sissy, and all his family here in Cleveland love and miss him.
Well, I am starting this blog, and a video chanel on YouTube because I am scared my son is being kept from me. My ex has spent a long time spreading lies, so much that im sure he fully believes them.
Let me give you some background;
When I was just days away from giving birth to my daughter Kathleen I sat up all night on-line witgh a close friend of mine (whom I knew offline) and played Yahoo Pool. I was in pain because Kat was laying right arcoss my back. We played and played, and he told me about some guy Nate. I wasnt interested in dating men, in fact, Kats father was the only guys I really ever had an interest in, and it was more so a rebound from my ex Erica.
Well, Nate and I started talking, and we became really good friends. A few days later I went into the hospital to have Kathleen. When I came out of the hospital, Nate and I kept talking. It was nice to have someone to talk to; but I really didnt know this guy.
After time he came up to visit, and his first visit was when i was at my best friends House. By the time he got there (and yes, i regret these years), I was half off my but and Kat was passed out in the swing. He walked through the door and i gave him a huge hug. He was such a good friend by this time, and it was nice to finally meet him.
One thing led to another, and i ended up sleeping with him that night, thats when the regrets began.
Anyways, a few weeks later Kathleen ended up in the ER with RSV, I called her biological dad and he wanted nothing to do with her. In fact, his exact words were "I don't care if she dies, dont call me again!" OK fine.... I called Nate, he was at the Hospital in just a few short hours. For the next few days, he sat there in a chair and held Kat when i was at wits end; he went to the cafiteria for me when i needed food, he kept an eye on her when i needed a shower. He became the father she obviously didnt have anywhere else. As much as I knew i wasnt interested in having any type of relationship with a man again, i knew Kat needed a father more then I needed a companion.
4 Months later, we moved in with him at his cousins house. It failed, terribly. His cousin was at the time, an unfit mother, and his mom insisted we move in with her, so we did. During that time, It was hard. I didnt drink or do any drugs, I didnt have my medication for my depression, and it was hard to take care of Kathleen. I slept on a couch, and she slept in a recliner that was pushed against the couch next to me.
This isnt how I wanted my life.
Soon we got our own place, and my depression got worse. I had a job, and found myself attracted to a girl there, and soon, i couldnt do it anymore. Nate and I split, and he made me feel like crap; like a terrible person and mother. I tried to overdose. He told me I wasnt good for anything and I needed to go back to Cleveland.
About a week later my mom and dad came to pick us up. About a mile or so away, i realized I had left Kats WIC formula in his car, so we turned around to pick it up. Nate was sitting on the steps of the apartment bawling his eyes out. He begged me to stay, told me he didnt want to loose me, he was sorry, he just sat there and cried.
I still left.
Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant with Alex....
Thats when the drama began.
First he wanted mt to get an abortion, then he wanted nothing to do with me.
I called his house and yelled at him on the answering machine; how could he tell me to abort his child? I didnt make this child on my own. I was on the shot, and this was not much my fault. This wasnt a mistake, but I couldnt do it on my own.
Well, his mother heard the message, and then hell broke loose.
Months went by and things got better; again i felt like I owed it to him and the kids to try to be with him again. We had a baby shower at my house, and his family came. It was hard, pretending to want something so bad, when all I was concerned about was the child growing inside of me.
After Alex was born my depression got worse, my doctor told me she just needed to get the medication right, and I would be fine.
Just to show you how bad it got, there were nights Alex would cry and cry and i couldnt figure out what was wrong. Once I called nate and put the phone next to alex and asked him what he wanted me to do? I had changed him, fed him, sung to him, and hours after the crying started, it still hadnt stopped. Is there any way Nate could care for Alex for the next few months? I asked, and he agreed. It was the hardest thing letting him go.
The day Nate came to get Alex I lost it, i really felt like my mind was gone. The new medication make me feel worse, and my depression was even worse. I threw one of Alex's toys at him and it cut his stomach. My dad called the cops...
A few weeks later my mom took me to pick up alex, and he stayed for a couple days. It was amazing. I had missed him so much. This happed a few times, and then all of the sudden, it stopped.
Nate didnt want me seeing Alex anymore. I called the county, I called the police, i called a lawyer. The alotted time had just passed... Nate had custody due to posesion. He had kept alex just long enough that i no longer had custody of him. Because he lived with nate for more then 6 month, i had no more rights. It had to go to court. I tried and tried, and I couldnt afford a lawyer, I couldnt find a free lawyer because the distance was so long.
anyways, here I am 6 years after he was born, and I hardly get to talk to him, hardly get to see him, and it hurts, more then Nate understands.
I really think Nate feels like I am this monster who lies and creates issue, but, i just challange him to look in the mirror. I have tried for the last 6 years to be a good mother for Alex.
I had to work full time to pay for my kids, and Nate stayed at home and did schooling while Alex was at work, and he got to go out and have fun; he had child support money to spend because his family was paying his way.
I remember once, and this is a little side note sorry, Nate complained that he had to borrow money from his Grandfather to buy Alex school clothes, but, I wanted to know where my child support went to... Isnt that what its for?
Anyways, This is all for Alex, and for anyone else who wants to read it.
Its juat hard being 3 hours away, and not knowing anything.
I gave a son up for Adoption in 2006, and I always laugh in a bad way because, I know more about him, then I know about Alex. I think its great that his parents and I are so close, but I think its terrible that Nate refuses to let me be a part of alex's life....
I hope one day Alex can read all these things and know how much Mommy and Sissy, and all his family here in Cleveland love and miss him.
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